Tammy's Story

My name is Tammy Harwell I am 28 years old and have a 5 Alpha Reductase Deficiency.

I had lots of doctors growing up, they examined me like crazy, they even got the measuring tape out all in the pursuit of studying/documenting my enlarged clitoris. When I was 9 I had a group of students attend my first pelvic exam, I have only scant recollection of that day. I remember a sea of white surrounding me, and my mothers tears, I was numb. When I was 12 or 13 I met a doctor who finally did treat me with some dignity. He saw a scared and shy tomboy, who never could formulate a coherent sentence in his presence. I had my testes removed at 13 and we talked about the prospect of clitoral recession but he was of the opinion that we (kids like us) should come to a decision about our own bodies. They measured my vagina and said it was small but since it was 6 cm at 13 they didn't suggest vaginoplasty. By the time I graduated from high school I had proven all of the doctors wrong. I was sexually active, yes it hurt, but I was determined to be a girl. One trick I learned was control, I never would allow my clitoris to become aroused when a boy touched me down there. Penetration never felt very good so I wouldn't be "hard" then either. At 18 I married, after telling him all I knew about my condition....I told him I had Testicular Feminization, and a hysterectomy type surgery. We went through life for about 5 years, until I decided I wanted to go back to school. I was already working in nursing so I began to take prerequisites in anticipation for a nursing degree.

One day in a psychology class the professor put a picture of a naked woman on the overhead. She asked if this was a man or a woman. She told us a man because he has testes, and what is known as Testicular Feminization. My head was spinning.....no one had ever said testes, they said gonads, they said undeveloped ovaries, they said I was a normal girl. I sat through the class and then made my way to the car and cried and yelled all the way home. Shortly after this I told my husband and he blew it off. He couldn't believe or understand what I was telling him...that I was "REALLY" a man. I let it go for about a year only talking to my closest friend about it. She was a big help, and I loved her for that. One day the nagging questions were too much I had to figure it out....I found the website and began talking to other women like me. I learned that I was PAIS, that I was 4/5 on the scale, I learned that a couple other women like me were gay and seemed to be accepted and loved anyway. This was important for me because I always felt so conflicted about my sexual orientation.

Shortly after finding the group my life seemed to be falling apart. My mother suggested finding my old doc....the one who had been so good to me. At the same time I was going over my incredibly extensive medical files. This time actually understanding what it meant when they wrote XY, and I found a new diagnosis....one called 5 Alpha Reductase Deficiency. I looked my old doc up and began talking to him. Turns out he became very outspoken about the care of intersexed people and involved with the ISNA. He explained my true diagnosis to me and we have been corresponding ever since. Understanding that I was meant to be a boy in the womb but just lacked an enzyme to finish my genitals, was scary at first, then empowering. He described how I was on the verge of virilization (masculinizing puberty) as a young teen. I fought this concept but eventually came to accept it as the truth. One of the members told me, "You've found your truth, each day after this you'll still have that truth but you'll be walking away from the pain"?..her words have become such a part of how I think about this. The truth really does set you free.

Somehow my life was beginning to make sense. I met a woman....a lesbian....we kissed and immediately I was turned on and none of my control mechanisms were working. That's when I knew my marriage was over and that I was a lesbian. I believe I was born gay, looking back I always had boyfriends...but I always loved my girlfriends. I told my best friend in high school that I would be with a woman before I die....I was hoping she would take the hint and jump my bones. She didn't, she said that was a crazy idea and laughed at me. Women are right for me, and I don't feel ashamed about it. I think sometimes my lesbianism is all just anger against men for the treatment I received growing up. It really doesn't matter though because I have finally found myself able to enjoy sex and now I'm comfortable being that close to another human being.

As you can see my life is an open book on this subject and I will always try to be available to any XY woman that comes along. I know about that isolation and thinking you are the only one to face this. I am parked in this group waiting to help someone out of that loneliness, because this group has done exactly that for me.

Tammy